Meet The Cast of Characters At My Job

So.

How are you guys?

I'm great, thanks for asking. Shit has finally gotten normalized for me, the upheaval in my life has subsided (for now) and I'm settled in a job I love with people that I ...tolerate.

Come on, I've always only 'tolerated' other people, did you expect any less of me this go-around?

So, without further ado, let's meet some of the people I work with!!

First up is Dr. Soulpatch. Dr. Soulpatch is aptly named, because of the little fuzzy caterpillar who lives under his bottom lip. This soulpatch is totally incongruous to his nature. You would expect someone with a soulpatch to be cool, chill, maybe do cool shit like listen to Bob Marley and ride a bike and go to Burning Man. Or perhaps they like wine and french poetry and Nietzsche. But Dr. Soulpatch is ... not that guy. He's robotic and hyper-efficient and uber-focused and very much a person who probably has very little fun at all ever. He probably drives with his hands at 10 and 2 at precisely 65 miles per hour in the far right lane on the highway with his radio tuned to the emergency broadcast station on AM Radio "just in case." And he can't put a central line in to save his life.

True to form, yours truly has been trying to entice Dr. Soulpatch out of his shell. Dr. Soulpatch didn't quite know what to make of this brash and outspoken tatted redhead who asked him direct questions and looked him in the eye with arms folded and frankly discussed her thoughts and ideas. Dr. Soulpatch is Old Skool in that he thinks nurses have "their place" and here comes me and my opinionated mouth challenging him and his fundamentals. Dr. Soulpatch didn't used to smile or laugh at work. Now he does. Dr. Soulpatch didn't used to crack off-color jokes at work. Now he does. He still can't put in a central line, but we'll get there.


Dr. Count Von Count is my favorite by far. He's a diminutive dark haired swarthy German fresh off the boat from Germany. His accent reminds me of Oktoberfest and schnitzel and my favorite muppet from Sesame Street. We bonded on my first day working with him when he asked where the ultrasound was and I told him in my broken half-assed German it's "links, um de ecke und gerade aus auf dem Soiled Utility Zimmer, my freund."
"Sprechen sie deutsch?" He said.
"Ja." I said.
And the rest, as we say, is history.

Dr. Count Von Count loves the nurses. He lets us run rampant. Whatever we ask for, he gives us, not in a way that means he hasn't a fucking clue what's going on, but moreso in a way that says "I trust your judgment and I will listen to what you have to say." Dr. Count Von Count isn't afraid to ask us nurses "Vell, vaht do you tink?" He's the coolest fucking doc on the planet. My schedule aligns with his and most night we're working together and it's pure. fucking. magic.


Dr. I Admit Everyone to ICU is my least favorite. Can you guess why? Oh, hemoptysis two weeks ago with a slight fever? Admit to ICU R/O TB. Oh, alcoholic whose last drink was last week? Admit to ICU for DTs and ETOH Withdrawal. Patient with H/H of 9/26 and a history of ETOH? Admit to ICU R/O GI bleed. Heart rate 130s? Admit to ICU with SVT. BP 180/76 in non-compliant diabetic with history of hypertension and CKD3? Admit to ICU with hypertensive crisis. God dammit, man, stop admitting floor patients to ICU!

Dr. I Admit Everyone to ICU is an old navy doc whose reasoning is this: It's better to have them decomp in ICU than to have to transfer them later. Dude, you're 80 years old. Seriously. Floor nursing is way more technical than it used to be when you were a spry young fellow. They can do cardizem drips or PRN pushes on the floor. They can give 4 units of PRBCs (for H/H 9/26!!!!!!!) on the floor. They can give lopressor IVP on the floor. Give us a fucking break already man!


How about the nurses I work with, you say? Are any of them noteworthy, you say?

Why, yes, they are!!

Nurse Hyperspazz is one that comes readily to mind. Nurse Hyperspazz is consistently at an 11/10 on the "fucking crazy" scale. Nurse Hyperspazz can have two really super easy Dr. I Admit Everyone to ICU's med-surg patients and be just as frazzled and freaked out as if he had two vented multiple pressors septic shock patients. Nurse Hyperspazz loves to complain about the assignment. He likes it very specific: His rooms have to be together. He has to sit at a specific spot at the nurse's station. His patients have to be one hard, one easy: for example he wants, like, a vented septic patient coupled with, say, a patient awaiting transfer in the morning to med-surg because they were admitted by Dr. I Admit Everyone to ICU. GOD FORBID he gets an ETOHer.

I tweeted about nurse Hyperspazz the other night. This nurse is absolutely insane. He got mad at me because he didn't want first admit, so I took one for the team and offered to take it just to make him shut up and calm down. Turns out I got the super duper easy patient who needed nothing but protonix and ETOH cessation counseling and he got the one who came from ER unstable who needed intubation and multiple drips and a central line... and since it was Dr. Soulpatch on that night, that meant he'd have to be in there for the 3 hours it takes Dr. Soulpatch to put a line in. POOR NURSE HYPERSPAZZ. The entire night was filled with him queening out yelling at folks and running his large meaty hands through his mullet bitching about how busy he was. 

HANS BRIX DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW BUSY I AM?! 


Nurse I Don't Give a Fuck is that person who will sit at the nurse's station and chart on her two patients while the whole rest of the unit is in a room working a code. That's all I know about her because she doesn't talk to us. So fuck her.

Nurse Let Me Help You With That is great at first, but then it's like ok. I don't need you to show me the ST Analysis on the monitor because I've already looked at it, evaluated my patient, and gotten an EKG and cardiac enzymes ordered from Dr. Count Von Count "just to be on ze safe side." Thanks for helping. The bonus about Nurse Let Me Help You With That is that he knows eeeeeeeeeehvrything about the patients on the unit, so he's especially helpful when, like, lab calls asking if you still need that 0200 lactate.


All the other nurses are pretty awesome and fun and nice and helpful but they don't make for good blog fodder so... moving on...


Where has MoJo been you might be asking.

Well.

MoJo has been here. Tweeting. Resting. Enjoying life. But I've missed you guys and decided it's time to breathe some life into this blog again. I promise all of you who still read this drivel that I will try not to be away for long again.


Love,
MoJo.

4 comments:

  1. Yay! Welcome back!

    I've come to realize that there is a Nurse Hyperspazz on every floor. It's a law, or something. Even in the clinics.

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  2. I'm glad you're back. Too many nurse blogs are no more.

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  3. We have Nurse Dreary Days Are Here To Stay, sort of a variant of Nurse Hyperspazz where she's always "busy" and it's always "awful, just awful", but she's not spazzy about it...it's like she is telling her grandkids about how life was like in the tenements during the Great Depression or about how her best friend s dying of Multiple Myeloma and wasting away. Same tone...you'd think she's going to bust out into tears over her vaginal bleeding patient. kid with a URI, and EtOHeur...

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  4. We have Nurse Dreary Days Are Here To Stay, which is the more depressed version of Nurse Hyperspazz...Basically everything is "awful" and it's always "too busy" no matter if there are two toothaches in the whole department or 8-hour waits, but she expresses this in the same tone of voice that she'd use if she was talking about her best friend who just died of cancer, a puppy dog that she witnessed being abused, or recanting the tale of her abusive marriage, etc.

    We also have a couple Nurse Hyperspazzes, where if you're new on the unit, you instinctively start following them wherever they're going because it appears based on their overly-insistent way of powerwalking to stuff that they're going to a code somewhere in the hallway or whatever...

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